Funny Woody Allen quotes

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.