Funny Russell Brand quotes

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?

Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.

Amy Winehouse – her surname’s beginning to sound like a description of her liver.

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.

Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

On Peter Crouch: Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. “Igor, fetch ‘the Crouch’ from the catacombs, we’re going to the graveyard”.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.

I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.