Funny Jerry Seinfeld quotes

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!