Funny George Burns quotes

At my age flowers scare me.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.