Funny Bernard Manning quotes

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...

You are what you eat.....I'm a cunt!

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’