Comedian Jimmy Carr

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.