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You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”