Best short quotes

Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.