Best short quotes

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"