Best short quotes

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?