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Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.
The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.
You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma