Best short quotes

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”

Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.