Best short quotes

The Devil: Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

(While teaching his son to play baseball): "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.