Best short quotes

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

[To a whore] Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.