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The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.
I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.